EXCLUSIVE! FLYING SAUCERS ON THEIR WAY TO EARTH!
The Earth’s soil
has been contaminated
with chemicals,
the air contains
tons of pollutants,
the oceans are disposal dumps,
the ozone layer
is in danger of depletion,
drinking water is an adventure,
growth hormones and pesticides
are part of the food chain —
In response to this crisis,
two weeks from today
a fleet of gigantic UFOs
of the Universal Salvation Army
will descend on many cities
across the globe, including
Los Angeles…
friendly aliens will evacuate
everyone to try to save us
from ourselves, and will transport
all seven billion of us
to the planet Lastchanceticus,
in another galaxy
two-thousand light years from home.
-Will the last person to leave
Earth, please apologize to it…
somehow?