My fellow Americans:

As President of these United States, it is my sad duty
to inform you that our planet has been hijacked by
aliens from the planet Sagan, of the Georgeclooneyan
star system.

We’re no longer in our regular orbit; we’re traveling
at the speed of 1,000 miles per minute toward Sagan,
powered by a super-powerful magnetic force, which the
aliens created by burying thousand of iron blocks, each
weighing 100 tons, deep inside the Sahara Desert.

Afterward they flew in their magnetic ship, which is
roughly three times the size of Manhattan & exerts a
pulling or pushing force of roughly 50,000 vashnikas
per square drastas.

In 10 hours or so we’ll start experiencing very cold
temperatures, something like -40 degrees, so please be
prepared. In two weeks the opposite will be true: the
temperature will average about 150 degrees Fahrenheit.

Finally, I received a communication by telepathic messenger
from the leader of Sagan, and he assured me that our planet
& people would be safe.

He said that when we reach our destination in approximately
two years, Earth will start its orbit around Sagan at a
distance of only 200 miles, and will be used mainly for the
course “Planetary Mismanagement 101,” and also as a cosmic
zoo. The prudent thing to do is to stay calm, or as calm
as one can be under the circumstances.

God bless us all & the best to you, my fellow Americans,
from your president, Bruno Mars; Vice-President Paris
Hilton also sends her wishes to all for a safe journey.

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