PAST DUE

Posted by on Mar 13, 2017

(I’ve revised this poem several times;
this is DEFINITELY the last revision!)
’98
. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

-Los Angeles to New York,
3.500 mile express
to the early ’50s –
next stop, Nostalgia Village,
connect to
long-ago memories,
of past lives, past times.

-All aboard!

-Ride with Miss Rheingold
on the Third Avenue El,
dial MUrray Hill 9…
CHelsea 3…
Mel Tormé headlines
the Paramount stage.

-“Top of the world, Ma!”
shouts Jimmy Cagney…
walk a mile to the Camel sign…
Pérez Prado, Jake La Motta,
Bill Haley rocks ’round the clock…
the Giants win the pennant!!
the subway goes up to a dime…

-Step right in!

-Guaranteed to relive
those Brylcreemed, cool-cat,
Tito Puente – Tito Rodriguez,
mambo-beat Palladium nights.

EXCLUSIVE! FLYING SAUCERS ARE ABOUT TO LAND ON EARTH!

Posted by on Mar 12, 2017

(’95)
. . . . . . . . . .

The Earth’s soil
has been contaminated
with chemicals,
the air contains
tons of pollutants,
the oceans are
disposal dumps,
the ozone layer
is in danger of depletion,
drinking water is
an adventure,
growth hormones
and pesticides
are part of the food chain.

In response to this crisis,
two weeks from today
a fleet of gigantic UFO’s
will descend on many cities
across the globe,
including Los Angeles,
and friendly aliens
will evacuate everyone.

These beings will try
to save us from ourselves
& will transport
all six billion of us
to a brand-new Earth,
in another galaxy
two-thousand light years
from home.

Will the last person
to leave Earth
please turn off the lights
at the Poem Motel?

COSMIC EMERGENCY!

Posted by on Mar 12, 2017

My fellow Americans:

As President of these United States, it is my sad duty
to inform you that our planet has been hijacked by
aliens from the planet Sagan, of the Georgeclooneyan
star system.

We’re no longer in our regular orbit; we’re traveling
at the speed of 1,000 miles per minute toward Sagan,
powered by a super-powerful magnetic force, which the
aliens created by burying thousand of iron blocks, each
weighing 100 tons, deep inside the Sahara Desert.

Afterward they flew in their magnetic ship, which is
roughly three times the size of Manhattan & exerts a
pulling or pushing force of roughly 50,000 vashnikas
per square drastas.

In 10 hours or so we’ll start experiencing very cold
temperatures, something like -40 degrees, so please be
prepared. In two weeks the opposite will be true: the
temperature will average about 150 degrees Fahrenheit.

Finally, I received a communication by telepathic messenger
from the leader of Sagan, and he assured me that our planet
& people would be safe.

He said that when we reach our destination in approximately
two years, Earth will start its orbit around Sagan at a
distance of only 200 miles, and will be used mainly for the
course “Planetary Mismanagement 101,” and also as a cosmic
zoo. The prudent thing to do is to stay calm, or as calm
as one can be under the circumstances.

God bless us all & the best to you, my fellow Americans,
from your president, Bruno Mars; Vice-President Paris
Hilton also sends her wishes to all for a safe journey.

HARD TIMES

Posted by on Mar 12, 2017

(wrote this in ’11, not long after
the Big Bad Market Days of ’08).
. . . . . . . . . . . .

“Uncle Sam
to Auction Top Hat
to Raise Funds
for U.S.A.”

“Times are tough,”
said the legendary uncle,
adding,
“Just doing what any other
red-blooded American would do.”

In other news:
China makes an offer to buy
cash-strapped California.

. . . . . . . . . . .

FELIZ NAVIDAD

Posted by on Mar 12, 2017

(12/14)
– – – – – – – – – – – –

-Sing me
a Christmas carol,
put me in the mood,
ask me the eternal question,
have I been bad or good?

-Did I help
the little old man
cross the street?
What was that?!
I AM the little old man?!

-Wait! are you sure?
why, just yesterday…
or was it the day before?
OK, some time last week…?

-I…
just…
don’t…
know…
any…
more.